My DSLR is broken. You can’t have real food porn without a dslr! Obviously, I’m not the next Pete Wells so moving forward… I have been completely devoid of any treats this year. Halloween? I didn’t have a single piece of candy until after Halloween. Thanksgiving? Only had one piece of pie on Thanksgiving. None before or after. I still haven’t had a Christmas cookie or treat—it’s even been weeks since I’ve had chocolate! Why oh WHY have I not had any? No, I’m not bragging about how little I eat. That would be plain stupid. I blame it on everything else in my life… read on.
Let me break it down for you. I swear, there’s a cookie recipe in here somewhere.
1. My Job // Most of the blame lies on my job. I work in the rugged world of motorcycles and men. Men do not care about treats or the coolest pinterest creations unless it’s covered in bacon. It’s more likely that we have a case of Pabst in our office than any type of sweets. Luckily, there are no Christmas decorations up (Thank you baby Jesus, I hate Christmas), no holiday party, and our holiday cards have motorcycles on them (pretty fucking sweet if you ask me!). While most people are pining for all the treats in the breakroom, I’m looking at Facebook, pining for pictures of people posting a picture of a table at the office stuffed with treats.
2. I’m Asian // My ummah doesn’t have recipes for cookies. She’s probably never made cookies in her life. She’s probably never eaten cookies in her life. I’ve never even seen her hug my dad – not relevant but I’m pretty sure she’s soulless (just like me). Our holidays were pretty terrible growing up, so there is just no use trying to fluff it up with happy Christmas treats. When you drive into a neighborhood and see houses with no Christmas lights —believe me, they are most likely the Koreans. Why waste time spent, money on the lights and have a higher electricity bill? We’re all about efficiency. And Christmas is not efficient. But there’s my mom’s christmas tree — it’s hers because she won’t let us help her decorate it.
3. Meat Sweats // You know that little pocket in your stomach that you always have for dessert after the main course? I fill that with bacon, steak tartare, oysters, Korean bbq, fried chicken (anything protein related) and French fries. I rarely leave room for dessert. I like to eat until the meat sweats come. Believe me, once you get the meat sweats, you’re just done. It’s almost like a drunken hallucination where you’re slurring words and another bite of food invokes hungover memories on a toilet. Not attractive and I do not recommend eating this much on a date. But let’s go onto the cookie baking thing before my daddy issues arise.
I’m a sucker for anything from box cake mix. It’s baking for those who are baking-impaired. Baking for the working, professional woman. Baking for sluts who want to make treats for their next conquests (I know what you’re thinking, that’s not what I’m doing). It’s semi-homemade with Sandra Lee – probably the worst of the Food Network bunch but who cares. The results of these is a cake batter taste in the form of a cute cookie. It’s chewy, sweet as a 40 yr old virgin (I actually know one), and simply orgasmic to those with a propensity for anything cake.
1 and ¼ cup all purpose flour
1 and ¼ cup yellow boxed cake yum yum mix -I’m sure any brand will do
½ teaspoon baking soda
¾ cup (1/5 sticks) of fatty butter… AMURIKAH!
½ cup granulated sugar
½ light brown sugar
⅙ teaspoon vanilla- and don’t use that cheap shit. Thats just not right.
1 cup chocolate chips (original recipe used half white, half black- the way I like my men)
½ cup gay sprinklies but I guess you can use Christmas ones for those who are into that
Temperature? 350 degrees. But also make sure to refrigerator because you will need to chill the dough. That would be dumb if you didn’t have one.
In a big bowl, sift the flour, yellow cake yum yum mix, and baking soda. I’m not a very good baker but I do know, you gotta sift that shit. In a different bowl, cream together the butter and sugars on low/medium speed.
You know what makes me sad about this? Paula Deen can’t have any :(
My hipster beater from the 80’s has weird settings. I used organic sugar which has a different texture than regular cane sugar. It works. Cream it together and mix in that egg and vanilla until its creamy.
Add the flour mixture to the wet stuff and mix until it’s just combined. Follow my directions: DON’T OVERMIX IT! Gently fold in the chocolate and gay sprinklies like an orgy at a bathhouse on cap hill (what what Seattle :).
I wrapped the dough up in saran wrap in a log shape and put it in the freezer for half an hour. I guess you can put that hunk of sugary goodness in the fridge for a few hours or a few days. The chilled dough makes the cookies bake thicker and not spread as much. I always prefer a chewier, thick cookie. Thick - like my men? Nope. This is important too because the dough gets warm and sticky.
After chillin like a villain, scoop rounded tablespoons of cold dough on an unlubed baking sheet. If you’re like me and have no time for nonsense, I just cut that log up and guesstimated the size. That’s why I’m a crappy baker. It still tastes good but I lose presentation points. Which I already lost from these sub-par iPhone pictures (and my cheap baking pans from college). I make sure they are taller than they are wide so they won’t spread as much and you still get a gooey soft cake battery center.
Bake it for 10-14 minutes. Mine took forever because I made them too big. Just make sure to take them out as the edges start to crisp. When they look a little undone in the middle- DON’T LET IT FOOL YOU! It’s done. Take it out. By now your house smells like a candy store and gives you childhood memories of sticking your dirty, cheeto-stained fluorescent hands in the candy bins and eating them before your mom (or employee) sees.
Leave the cookies on for 4-5 minutes and cool them on a wire rack (mine’s not really a cookie cooling rack). Or you go cookie monster on that warm sugar-laden miracle and endure the stomach ache you’ll get later. You’re done! Now stop eating them, package them up all pretty and give them away now to your bitches so they get fat.
A Cake Batter cookie binge will inevitably lead to diabetes. But that’s in the future and for now we’re young, beautiful and healthy. So go ahead and indulge in a few… and enjoy your descent into morbid obesity.